Trail # 245: Running Bare Through St. Patrick's Day
March 20, 2007 Old Burke Lake Road, Burke, VA
Hares: Running Bear, And Hows Her Bush, Fox Twat

My story begins on a beautiful, spring-like day. Right up until
about 6:30pm, that is. Then the temperature started to drop and the
wind started to pick up. Nice.

As I pulled up to the start I heard, "Blah, blah, blah…" in a very
loud voice. And I think to myself, "Oh no – that can only mean one
thing!" Sure enough, Motormouth had graced us with his presence. I
immediately cracked open a beer and decided I was way underdressed
for the hash. SMAC, the ever resourceful, had apparently already
handed out gloves and hats and coats to half the hashers present but
still had more to give to me. I got a nice hat and scarf which are
now sitting on the floor in the hallway of my apartment. At least
the scarf is. I'm not so sure about the hat.

Now that I was warm and had a beer, I was ready to pay attention to
the rest of the hash. Nub, the guest RA of the day, started circle
and tried to introduce the virgin (who had already gotten in her car
and left). The visitor(s) were still there, however, so he
introduced him/them. This is where things start to get a little
fuzzy for me. I was the designated driver on the real St. Patricks
Day, so I decided to make up for it at this hash. I remember at
least one of the visitors (I'm not sure if there was more than one)
was from Mount Vernon and that I asked him his name several times.
Was it something Junior? I don't know. While we were waiting for
Father Abraham (stupid song), I stashed 2 beers in my coat for the
first half of trail. Then the virgin showed back up. I guess she
had gone home for a flashlight or something. Nub introduced her, we
cheered (she was cute), sang Father Abe and it was time to go.

The hares had thrown an intersection as they left start so we
hashistically deduced that trail must be on the other side of the
road. A busy, rush hour type road. We all trooped across the
street, stopping traffic and looking for trail. We didn't find it.
The runners covered a lot of ground checking for trail, but
ultimately we crossed the road back to start (again stopping
traffic). Lo and behold, trail went the other direction. Shocking.
Trail went through some woods, but a nice paved path paralleled it
not more than 20 feet away so we stayed on that. Important note:
smooth paths are more conducive to drinking lots of beer.

We came out of the path onto a street and Bad Dog came up behind us
bitching about the runners who had apparently all shortcutted on
walkers trail and that he and someone else I don't remember were the
only ones to do the full trail. We looked at him like he was from
Mars and I reached into my coat pocket for my second beer. It was
around this point where we had a very spirited discussion on the
effects of a nuclear bomb falling on DC. Thank goodness for Nuclear
Jism who was able to tell us that we'd all die (and not in the
initial blast either). My bad for starting that conversation…

We cruised along for a while following trail. SMAC and Mr. Softie?
(somebody, anyway) were way ahead of us marking all the checks. At
some point I looked ahead and saw them coming back so I yelled
something like, "You jackasses!" It wasn't them. Just a couple out
for a walk. My bad again.

We arrived at the beer check. Actually, we heard the beer check long
before we saw it (Motormouth was already there). It was buried off
the road down in some bushes so I, of course, stood at the top and
asked people to bring me a beer. Meanwhile I finished what was in my
cup. When the beer finally made it to me, it was some small, weird
shaped can that looked like it should be one of those alcoholic
energy drinks but was really just Budweiser in a weird can. I drank
it anyway. The runners mostly took off and the walkers stood around
drinking. I finished all the half drank cans left by the runners and
filled my cup. Again. Somewhere along the road I had finished my
other stashed beer from start so it was a good thing we brought the
beer check with us on the second half of trail.

We somehow made it to the end. There was a lake. That's about all I
remember. Oh – and drinking beer. :)

I was guest GM for the end circle (maybe I shouldn't have had so much
to drink?), but I think it went pretty well. I had fun anyway.
There were some violations, Fire in the Cornhole had some silly dice
that you were supposed to roll before you drank that were not as
funny as intended and we made it through. At the end, however, we
had a special event for the SH*T – a potential RE-naming.

It seems one of our hashers had committed a renaming-worthy act at
the previous week's on-on-on. Free Willy had made friends with one
of the veterans at the bar. Very good friends. The kind of friend
where you make out and stuff. The kind of friend you go home with.
Did I mention to you it was the blind guy? As the story goes, while
she and he were making out he stopped and removed his fake eye. AND
REPLACED IT WITH A PIRATE EYE! Seriously. The nomination was set
forth to rename her One-Eyed Willie. The hash suggested some other
names (all lame) and ultimately we were in agreement that Free Willie
was no more – her new name, henceforth and forevermore throughout the
world of hashing (except Great Falls – F them), is One-Eyed Willie.
Arrrgh!

And so my story ends. (Well, not really because we went to Kilroys
and drank some more, but I have to do some actual work today so
that's all you get.)

Lube Me Up Scotty

P.S. One-Eyed Willie claims she didn't sleep with the guy, just made
out with him. For the record

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