Once upon a 6:40pm dreary, while I pondered, warm and cheery,
Over a single empty beer clutched close,
While I mused, nearly leaving, suddenly there came a ranting,
As of someone loudly chanting, chanting “adios!”.
"'Tis some Asstrout," I muttered, "chanting “adios” —
Only this, and nothing too gross."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the Bloom parking lot,

And each separate hasher was looking for his daily dose,
Eagerly I wished the on-on-on; - vainly I had tried to borrow
From my beer euphoria to fight the sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lactose –

For the rare and radiant hasher whom the circle named Lactose –

                                                Sometimes funny, often gross.

Deep into that icy darkness peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams so grandiose;
But my sexual fantasies are not the subject of this digest, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lactose!"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lactose!" —
Merely this, and it WAS gross.

-The End—

So that’s how trail started for me on Tuesday – a single beer for the ride to the hash which was NOT enough because traffic sucked so bad and the knowledge that Lactose may be laying his last SH*T trail ever.  Then the frucking ice came…

I pulled into the parking lot early (due to the fact that I left work 2 hours early) and looked for beer.  Not finding any (I did find P0rn to Fail, however) I walked into Bloom to get some.  I needed some liquid refreshement as it was a day of celebration!  365 non-smoking days and I planned to get ripped!  I took off for the Bloom and Holy called after me, can you get me some smokes?  Seriously.  As I entered the Bloom I almost fell on my ass about 80 times and who should show up, but And How’s Her Bush.  He told me that Fire in the Cornhole was around the side of the Bloom.  I bought 8 Sparks and joined the hash around the side of the store.

Let’s just say that there weren’t many of us.  There was some talk of not doing trail.  Ok, there was a lot of talk about not doing trail.  But I was in a great mood (i.e. getting drunk) and I convinced the pack that we needed to support Lactose and Just Wayne.  One of their own hares didn’t even show up.  So ultimately we did trail.  The entire pack walked it except for the overachieving AHHB who did his own thing.

The Pack:  Lube Me Up Scotty, Holy F*ck, Fire in the Cornhole, Bitch Where My Money, Permanently Screwed, Leave It For Beaver, Just the girl I thought was Land-Ho (but wasn’t), Hermaphrodites on Unicycles, P0rn to Fail, And Hows Her Bush.  I Can’t Believe Its Not Herpes and Just Grizzly Adams showed up while we were out on trail.  If there were more of us I just don’t remember.  Sorry.

It was icy.  We took bets on who would fall first.  Fire in the Cornhole was the first down with B$ shortly thereafter.  We came to an intersection.  Thanks to the fact that I had 6 Sparks with me and B$, Fire in the Cornhole, Permanently Screwed and Hermie were all packing at least a 6 pack each we made the first intersection a beer check.  And the second intersection was also a beer check.  And the third and the fourth – well you get the picture…  We slip and slided our way through the entire trail.  As we were walking down the street (Hermie and I were deep into a metaphysical conversation about the relative merits of duct tape as a sexual accoutrement), a garbage can exploded.  Well not really.  Fire in the Cornhole exploded out of a garbage can and scared the hell out of us.  The effect was somewhat dampened by the fact that as he jumped up the can fell over and he got stuck in it until Screwed pulled him out.

The boys found a large tree to carry with them for a while until a police officer drove by very, very slowly.  They then dropped their tree.  A large piece of sheetrock was found and used to attempt to slide down an ice-covered sidewalk.  Surprisingly it didn’t work as well as just falling down while running.  Unless you are running into a briar patch in which case you are stopped cold by the prickles.

I don’t remember exactly how I got into the bar nor do I remember changing.  I do remember that we did an impromptu paid-on-on-on and that Holy drove home and that I was really tired the next day.  But it was one of the most fun trails I’ve been on in forever!

Thank you, Lactose!

Lube Me Up Scotty

PS  We tried to name Just Wayne, but I was drunk and the names were lame so we called it in favor of the warm bar.  Next time, Wayniac!

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