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Trail #325, “The No School like the Old School trail” or alternatively, “The Revenge of the Nerds Trail” September 9, 2008 Hares: Dixie Queen, The Udder Ho, Just Chris (subsequently named Three Laws of Never Getting Laid) Made it to the hash waaayyy early with Steamer (a visitor from Dayton) and Holy F*ck in tow. Got a call in route that our brand new sign-in folks were going to be late so Holy and I decided to take over sign-in.This gave us the perfect opportunity to hassle/heckle/annoy damn near everyone in the hash. Perfect! Since our new RA, The Udder Ho, was haring, our old RA, Nub, got to do Father Abraham one last time. Isn’t he lucky??? (Did I ever mention how much I HATE that song!) We had a virgin – I can’t remember his name. And a few visitors (I also can’t remember their names)… Perhaps these people need to do something a little more memorable next time! They are hashers after all – hashers should be memorable, dammit! (Except for the virgin. He’s not really a hasher yet – that remains to be seen if and when he comes back.) Anyway, hares were away, circle was done and we were off. I decided to walk and took Herpes camera with me since she was running. I got some really blurry pictures. But I also got two beauties! We came across a pleasant bubbling brook and I had Nuclear Jism and Our Own Vanna re-enact the near drowning at the AGM. Classic. Right before we came to the little brook we met a hare (Just Chris) and he told us we were going the wrong way. We ignored him and kept going. What does he know? He’s just a virgin hare. Grow up a little and get a few more harings under your belt, Son, and then come back and tell us we’re going the wrong way. Geez! Other people’s children! There was about 30 feet of shiggy on walkers trail as compared to about 45 minutes of field work on the runners trail. Apparently the runners got lost. In a field. Doesn’t ‘field’ imply flat and open? As in you can see all the way across? How do you get lost in a field? I can understand a forest where there are trees and stuff, but a field? Seriously? Apparently the hare had laid a rather ingenious spiraling corkscrew-type thing in the field but since the runners didn’t follow trail they came across it from a number of different directions and couldn’t figure out which was the right way. I would have gone with a grid search like they do in CSI when looking for a body. Of course they use the CSI version of the red shirts from Star Trek – nameless extras that could die at any moment. Walkers got to the Beer Check without mishap (so there, Just Chris, we were going the right way!) and what did we find??!?! Boobah the Beef Princess and some really yummy pudding shots… Just Mary had about eight of them. The rest of us had less. (Mostly because she was hovering over the bowl threatening to bit off our fingers if we tried to take any of ‘her’ pudding shots.) Screws on First decided it was time to go and the rest of us followed shortly thereafter so she wasn’t completely alone on trail. We never did catch her and her long legs, though! We got to the end, which happened to be at the top of a parking structure and waited for the runners. And waited. And waited. And waited. Finally some of them came in (not on true trail) and shortly after that a truckload of runners showed up. Lame-o’s who autohash!!!! It was about this time when people began to notice other people’s hair standing on end. At first I thought it was just one person with serious hat hair, but once we looked around it was EVERYONE! UH-OH!!! According to the NOAA (National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association) Preparedness Guide for Thunderstorms, Tornadoes and Lightning (http://www.nws.noaa.gov/om/brochures/ttl.pdf), “If you feel your skin tingle or your hair stand on end, squat low to the ground on the balls of your feet. Place your hands over your ears and your head between your knees. Make yourself the smallest target possible and minimize your contact with the ground. DO NOT lie down.” I must confess that I basically gave you all up for lost and took off on my own to seek shelter leaving my bag, the hash cash and my boyfriend to fend for themselves. I made it to the covered part of the parking structure before I turned around and at least decided to try to warn some folks. I’m happy to say we all moved under the protected side of the parking garage and no one was struck by lightning. It started to rain at that point anyway so we would have had to move regardless. Once we were settled, Wookin’ Pa’ Nub opened circle. FRB was Spikey, FBI was Just Kelly and Typical Woman and the DFLs were everyone that took a truck to the finish – lame-o autohashers! Poonskin Cap was serenaded for her 25th analversary and was presented with a lovely bandana from her manly husband. Or was that a manly bandana from her lovely husband? I don’t know… ;-) Violations: Typical Woman, Just Kelly and Summer’s Eve for looting street signs. Just Mike for being a pu$$y. Just Kyle (the virgin – now I remember his name) for acting like Mary Poppins. Cradle to the Dreidel for going down on trail. Nuclear Jism for his interest in golden showers. Steamer for her advice on lubrication AND constipation on trail. The Udder Ho for bragging that he’s good for 45 minutes of f*cking. Cradle to the Dreidel and Screws on First for being late to their first day on the job. Wookin’ Pa’ Nub for being unable to get any pu$$y. Mowgli and Buffalo Chips – the only die hards to actually do the whole trail. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Herpes for her wind up vibrator on trail. Screws on First for whining. Permanently Screwed for not being able to tie his own shoes. Just Kyle (the virgin) for wearing two pairs of shorts. Simultaneously. And How’s Her Bush and Last Week for being isolationist bastards and sitting waaayyy outside the circle. Then we got to the naming. “So go ahead, put us down One of these days we will turn it around Won't be long, mark my words Time has come for Revenge of the nerds!” “Clap your hands everybody, and everybody clap your hands. We're Lambda Lambda Lambda and Omega Mu. We come here on stage tonight to do our show for you. We got a rockin’ rhythm and a hi-tech sound that'll make you move your body down to the ground. We got Poindexter on the violin, and Lewis and Gilbert will be joining in. We got Booger Presley on the mean guitar and a rap by little ol' me, Lamar. We got Takashi beating on his gong, the boys and the mu's are clapping along. And just when you think, ya seen it all, along comes a Lambda four foot tall. So won't ya come on out here on the floor, so we can move our bodies, like never before… Lammmmmmmbbbbbbbbddddddaaaaaaaa” It turns out Just Chris is a nerd. He’s in aerospace and robotics and a whole bunch of nerdy stuff. He also likes Michigan, another strike against him. BUT the really important thing to note here is that he is a VIRGIN! That’s right folks. A truly virgin hare in all sense of the word. So… Let the Nerd Herd get down to business! Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE), let out their inner nerd to come up with names for Just Chris. It was one of the better namings we’ve had in a while. Here are the names he didn’t get (as written by The Udder Ho so don’t blame me): Shiver Me Dild0s I Can’t Do That Isaac GetOff Space Balls Stephen Hawking (to be said in an electronic computer voice like Hawking uses) Can’t Puff A Ten (I’m guessing this isn’t what was said, but I can’t read Udder’s handwriting) Masturbation Theatre How’d He Do Me The Erosticator (another misspelling – Sorry Vanna) Good Guy Sprocket Nerd (sp?) Lambda Lambda Lambda Sour’s Bitch Slartzy Butfest (sp?) Poop in the Pocket Snatch is Not My Future YankMeOff Asimov Don’t Panic William Shatinmypants Lift, Drag and Eject C*nt on My Long Bits Klingons Got My …? Sloppy No’s Runner Up: A Foreskin Wrinkle in Time Winner: 3 Laws of Never Getting Laid When asked what are the 3 laws of robotics he rattled them off without hesitation as if everyone should know them… Welcome to the fold, 3 Laws! Lube Me Up Scotty
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