The “These Bitches are Going to Kick Your Butt” Trail

Date: 10/7/08

Location: Springfield

Hares: Lube Me Up Scotty, Typical Woman, Just Kelly, Bitch Where My Money

Hashit Holder: Spitz

Virgins: none?  I think we had one, but I can’t remember…

Visitors: Tiger Woody

Returners: Can’t Find Pu$$y in a Haystack, Hermie, TOM, Rambutt, KY Belly, probably a bunch of others…

Anal-versaries: Just Mark (7), Just Kelly (7), She Spankered Me One (14), Fire in the Cornhole (161), Bad Dog (175)

FRB: Snatchasnorous FBI: Cradle to the Dreidel DFL: Holy and Haystack (I shudder to think what these two were doing in the woods together)

Traffic sucked and I got there late.  No worries, though, since I was a hare I figured people would probably still be hanging around.  They were.  It was really, really dark.  Which made “guess the hasher” that much more fun.  It’s kind of cool to show up in pitch blackness – you can pretend all the people are whatever you want them to be!  But of course we love you just the way you are…  Really.  Totally mean it.  Honest.  ;-)

Turns out neither our RA or GM made it to the start so after a somewhat scattered start to the opening circle, the hares were away.  Three of us went down an ankle busting embankment – I was bringing up the rear and suddenly heard a “SPLAT.”  I looked up to see Just Kelly sprawled out spread-eagled at the edge of the road not 50 feet from the start.  As she fell she must have looked like a deer in the headlights – literally – because a passing car actually stopped and asked her if she was ok.  Like the true hasher she is, she got up, brushed herself off, asked the car that stopped if they had a beer they could give her for the pain and continued on laying trail.  What a woman!

I was soon on my own on a really dark road and quickly made it to my meet up point with Typical.  She wasn’t there yet so I had some time to watch some dumba$$ in a jeep blaze out of the parking lot.  He soon came back and while I watched, he parked in the spot he had just come out of and started poking around on the ground screaming profanities.  Finally, by the light of the feeble moon I saw what he was bitching about – apparently he had not secured his mountain bike to his jeep before taking off and had subsequently run it over.  He was throwing and kicking pieces of it all around and swearing like a sailor.  I felt right at home!

Finally Typical showed up and we continued laying trail.  It was mostly uneventful until we got to the beer check and had a nice cold one.  B$ and Just Kelly then joined us and we watched for the runners to make their way down the creek.  When we saw their headlamps we crept over to the side of the road that was closest to where they would be passing and B$ whispers, “Wait for it!  Wait for it…..!”  SPLASH!!!!!  Apparently, there is a really deep pool of water right before the tunnel leading to the beer check.  We got to hear several other splashes before the rest of the pack was through.  How wonderful!  ;-)

As the pack came through we heard that we had lost our visitor and that he was roaming around Springfield without a flash light.  Idiot.  There was some discussion amongst the hares about running trail backwards but we ultimately decided that we should see if he made it back to start first before wasting all that beer drinking time going after a dude that we probably won’t see ever again anyway.  Good thing, too – since we found Tiger Woody safe at start.

The first thing we heard when we got to the finish was how awesome trail was.

Got back and circle started.  Virgins and visitors were appropriately welcomed. FRB’s, FBI’s and DFL’s laughed at.  Returners taunted.  Analversaries recognized.  Violators violated:

All the Way In for his lack of fashion sense in wearing green on green.  Duh – nobody wears green on green on any day but St. Patties day.

AHHB for losing an arm wrestling challenge to a girl.

No Child Left Behind for bringing her own red light district to the hash and on trail.

GladHeAteHer for shortcutting twice and following trail backwards for his trouble.

Dixie Queen for getting there late and then having his flashlight die 5 minutes into trail.  He quit and came back to start.  Lame-o!

Hares for a dead animal check.  Mmmm mmmm good!

Spitz For falling down while bragging about how cool his addition to the hashit was and then cutting himself on it.  THEN he took off his addition to the hashit and threw it on the ground.  We couldn’t have any littering of our beer check so we threw the junk in B$’s car.

Hares for laying such an awesome trail.  ;-)

Screws on First for saying it’s easier to get out of her pants than into them.

Circular Breeding for reminiscing about growing up in the area and still managing to get so lost he had to ask for directions from a stranger.

Pay Per View for causing Tour duh Wh0re to miss valuable beer drinking time because she had to put new batteries in her equipment.  

AHHB for missing trail last week.

Jizzercise for demonstrating her ”Stop, Drop and Roll” technique after tripping on a speed bump.

Hermie for asking if the trail was ADA accessible.

Haystack for bitching but not bitching…  “I’m not bitching, but….”

Little Cock for becoming Nub’s pimp.

Hares for laying such an awesome trail.  (Yep – we were violated twice for our awesomeness – it was THAT GOOD!)

And last but not least, Tiger Woody for whipping his dick out on trail.  Acceptable hash behavior (I know) except he did it when lost so no one got to see it!

The hashit was unanimously awarded to Just Kelly for taking a “dump” 50 feet into trail on her first haring.  Way to go and welcome to the hash!

On-On to this week’s trail!

Lube Me Up Scotty

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