The "Erection Day" Trail

Date: 11/4/2008

Location: BFE (Buttf*ck Egypt – otherwise known as the end of the earth)

Hares: Soft Serve Custer, Fud Mucker, Davy Crotch Itch, Cop S Interruptus, All The Way In

Hashit Holder: Udder

Virgins: none that I know of – if we did they are probably still lost out there

Visitors: same as the virgins…

Returners: Breathless, Fudmucker, Slowman, Flaming Unit Jr, Just Mimi

Anal-versaries:, M.I. Cock Shoots Blanks (25), Gladiator (35), Hermie (56), Nuclear (91) AHHB (315)

And some late celebrations: Holy (189), Permanently Screwed (84)

FRB and FBI: The Walkers (but they still arrived MUCH later than most of our DFL’s arrive on a normal trail) DFL: The Runners (who had to be bussed in from 5 miles away)

Trail Ramblings:  This trail was truly a clusterf*ck from the start.  Had I been paying attention, I would have skipped trail altogether, but alas, I ignored the warning signs and ended up witnessing one of the most f*cked up trails of the year.  It was entertaining, though (mostly because I was a passive observer and not one that was actually lost).

First: it was Election Day and everyone and their mother was out to vote. 

#2: this trail was so far out of our normal territory we couldn’t find it on a map.  

C: it was raining.  

Last: look at the list of hares. 

Anyway, trail started behind some shopping mall way down in the Mount Vernon area.  A small group of extremely brave (translation: stupid) souls gathered in the mist waiting for trail to start.  The hares held a quick conference (which I was privy to since I was going to be the guardian of beer check #2) and new haring assignments were handed out.  Yep, you read that right – at least one of the hares was given a different assignment from what he had originally practiced.  “Don’t worry,” were the immortal words of Soft Serve Custer, “you have a map.  It will be fine.”  Circle was called to order and the hares were sent away.  Presumably, the pack went back to huddling around the beer van bitching about the rain.  

I was assigned to go with Cop S Interruptus who was on his way to the second beer check.  We walked around to the front of the strip mall and got in his truck.  Yep, we drove to his section of trail.  And he was a walker hare.  Either he’s really lazy or that should tell you something about the length of the walker’s trail…  (The correct answer is both – he is lazy AND the walker’s trail was really long.)  Anyway, he dropped me off at the beer check location and left me there while he laid trail.  It was the middle of the woods in the middle of nowhere with a porta john and nothing else…  And it was REALLY dark.  And the leaves were crackling and branches were snapping and rain was dripping and animals were scurrying…  It was S-C-A-R-Y!  Now on a normal trail I would have had to wait maybe 20 minutes before someone else showed up – either a hare or the pack.  Not this night.  I had plenty of  time to think of every horror movie I had ever seen that had anything to do with the dark or the woods or the dark woods or rain or the rainy dark woods…  you get the picture.  It was 8:20 before I saw anyone!  All I saw was someone emerge from the woods out of the corner of my eye.  I started to freak until I saw him reach into his bag and throw down a puff of flour…  Phew!  A Hasher!  (Not saying hashers aren’t scary – just scary in a different, nerdy kind of way.)  It was Fud Mucker emerging from laying part of the walkers trail.  He met up with me and started a beer but had less than two minutes to drink it before Socket came out of the woods.  I told him to get a move on and he was gone like a wet little puff of dust.  (Hmmm… I guess technically you can’t have a wet puff of dust – that would just be mud.  So he was gone like mud?  That doesn’t work either.  Whatever – he left.)

Socket had a beer and the rest of the walkers joined us.  Screwed was acting like a jacka$$ shining his light in everyone’s eyes so everyone tried to avoid him as much as possible.  No one seemed to have a bottle opened except Holy and since the hares didn’t leave one for us, we amused ourselves by playing pass the bottle opener while doing out best to finish all the beer before the runners got there.  We stood around shooting the SH*T and kind of waiting for the runners to make it in.  Cop S and Soft Serve joined us after finishing their sections of trail and added to the merriment.  Finally, we shooed the walkers out and me and the hares stood around waiting for the runners.  The runners never made it.  We finally gave up waiting for them at 9:00 because we assumed the walkers would have made it to the end and were probably wanting beer and their dry bags.  We took off, made a quick run by start to pick up the bag vehicle and beer and drove to the end (did I mention it was an A to B trail???) expecting to see the walkers.  All we found were Davy and Fud.  Uh-oh…  The walkers straggled in around 9:20.  They weren’t as pissed as you’d think, but not overly happy.  We began to talk about trying to find the runners …  Finally, Gladiator (the only runner to make it in under his own power) showed up and said that the pack had caught the hare (All the Way In) and were trying to find their way back.  Apparently All the Way In got lost and stopped until the pack found him so they could collectively try to figure out where they were.  Once the pack was together with the hare, they elected Just Mimi to knock on someone’s door to ask where they were.  Desperate measures, I tell ya’!  At some point in their travels, they also tried to climb a fence, which turned out to be some sort of military installation.  They were promptly yelled at.  (They were lucky they weren’t shot.)

Finally someone decided to call the hares once they knew where they were and it turns out they were literally at least 5 miles away from start.  Nice.  The hares went to pick them up.  By the time we got them in, it was after 10:00.   The sign-in ladies tried to ask the runners for $20 each – we reasoned that they had run at least five hashes that night so they owed us for the four they didn’t pay for!  That didn’t go over so well although the rest of us though is was hilarious.

We decided to do a quick circle – it was at that point where it really started to rain.  I read off all the violations at one time, we did a collective down-down and headed for the bar.  Luckily, we were in the bar’s parking lot so it wasn’t far.  Thank goodness for the bar.  They had cold beer, hot food and good karaoke. (Seriously – these people were actually good at karaoke.  It was kind of like being in the twilight zone.)  We ate, drank and were merry and all was (mostly) forgiven.

While this truly was a giant clusterf*ck of a trail, the terrain was pretty cool, the hares found some cool places for shot checks/beer checks and under normal circumstances it had the potential to have been a great trail.  Better luck next time, boys.  Perhaps you should get a woman involved on your next outing – she’ll be sure to tell you how it should be done right!

Violations:  Yep.  Shoulda been there.

Hashit: Still Udder.

See you in a few hours!

Lube Me Up Scotty

Return to trash list