The " Oh Noes, Not Another Trail in McLean" Trail
Date: 11/25/08
Location: McLean, VA
Hares: Runs With Bulls, Permanently Screwed, Davy Crotch Itch, Cop S Interruptus
Hashit Holder: Udder
Virgins: I don’t think so…
Visitors: Um, yes? Sort of? The girl that Shaves is currently boinking – I forgot her name. Just Flavor of the Week or something similar…
Returners: Sure
Anal-versaries: We decided we were no longer going to recognize anal-versaries. (For this trail only.)
FRB: Pothole FBI: Mary Mary C*nt So Hairy DFL: AHHB (In Bev)
Trail Ramblings: This week’s bet was how long trail was going to be. After all, the hares for tonight were the hares that laid the ballbuster, 30 mile catastrophe on Election Day. They are batting about .0001 (statistically significant, no less) in their ability to lay a trail that the pack can follow. Yet for some reason they keep getting trails. This tells me one of three things: 1) the hareraiser doen’t give a sh*t, 2) the hareraiser is a perennially hopeful individual always looking for the best in people and willing to give them a second, third, fourth, fifth and sixth chance, 3) none of you wankers are signing up for trails! While I know #2 to be false, the other two are up in the air. My advice – if you don’t like the trails that have been laid recently or think you can do better, SIGN UP FOR A DAMN TRAIL!!!! We have several openings – now’s your chance to get in a good trail before there’s snow on the ground.
Anyway, back to talking about last week’s trail. With the line up of hares, many of us were somewhat trepidatious about doing trail. I stocked up with two extra beers hidden in my coat and after opening circle and Father Abraham, the Udder Ho sent us on our way. The first thing we come to is a giant ditch. With water in the bottom. Flowing into a creek. With water in the bottom. Oh and the banks were muddy. How do we know this? She Fingertard (as he was dubbed by P0rn for the multiple issues he had keeping his balance) immediately fell on his a$$ and slid down the muddy side into the ditch. Several others laughed at him. Who am I kidding – we all laughed at him and then we made our way down the embankment and on over. Holy, being the lazy f*ck that he is, found a way to get down and across that didn’t even jostle his beer. We continued along the creek bottom, found the old beer check location from the OTH/WH4 after Red Dress trail (sans beer) and then lost trail. It was at this point the runners rejoined those of us that were walking and we all continued looking for trail. Finally we heard an on-on in the distance and made our way back onto trail.
Once on trail we discovered we were lost in the Land Where Leaves Go to Die. The number of leaves piled in this wasteland of backyard/interstate fringe were innumerable. Let me put it to you this way – I was cruising along next to Udder having a conversation and all of a sudden he was gone. I heard a whoosh and a rustle and the man disappeared. Turns out we were on a very narrow path hidden by the 8 million billion gazillion and 12 leaves on the ground and Udder had stepped off it into the Abyss. Luckily, his head popped up again shortly and he clawed his way out. (I will add that he did not lose the hashit at any point during these travails – although it was submerged in the leaves for an extended period of time – I think the elephant is officially dead. After crawling through this mess and over hill and dale, we finally came upon the beer check. Glory be – the hares had Sparks on ice for me! Mucho appreciated boys! (I had already tapped into my first emergency reserve beer and finished it so the beer check came right on time – whooo-hooo!!!! I think they also had some beer, but I didn’t notice.
On out was into a tunnel under 66 – have fun runners! The walkers ditched them and started up the road. Turns out that was the end of the walkers trail anyway and we all got a ride back to start (which was the finish). It was cold so a bunch of us sat in my car (Lil Red and I enjoyed the heated seats in the front) and kept on drinking waiting for the runners to arrive. Oh – I should mention that on the ride back to start someone (who shall remain nameless, but it starts with Poon and ends with skin) got Copus all pissy for continuously taking pictures while inside the car. Apparently you can’t see very well when someone keeps using the flash. The camera was finally taken away from her and we all learned a valuable lesson - don’t let Poon stay at the beer check by herself!
The runners finally made it in and we bitched at them for taking so long and they bitched back about poor trail markings or some such nonsense which we ignored. I mean really – who cares? (I do when it’s me, but not when it isn’t!) ;-)
I should mention a special note about the on-on-on. First – thanks to the hares for making it happen and Runs With Bulls for letting the hash into his house – you are a brave soul. And also a somewhat disorganized one – we weren’t there more than a few minutes when the guiness tap sprouted a leak. And by leak I mean a spray of about 3 feet radius coming from the tap which no longer had a spigot pully thing attached to it. Seems like it hadn’t been screwed on tightly enough. Oops. Nub acted like the little boy with his thumb in the dike to staunch the flow of Guiness until Runs With Bulls could shut off the flow. The mess was cleaned up, the tap thingy reattached and beer soon flowed again. And Absinthe. Yes, the hares provided not one but two bottles of absinthe. It tastes horrible straight. But when mixed with a sugar cube and water… it still tastes horrible. That didn’t stop several of us from partaking, however, and there was much rejoicing. The food was yummy, the beer was good an plentiful and the hash was warm and happy.
Violations: She Fingertard for being retarded and unable to manage his own motor skills while on trial.
Lil Red for knowing. (Knowing what I don’t know – all I have written down is knowing. So stop knowing things dammit!)
She Fingertard for bragging that quarters were too small for his a$$ - silver dollars are a better fit.
Standard Deviant because B$ mistook him for a bum when he walked up and moved to intercept him before he realized he was a hasher.
B$ for being so judgemental as to think Standard Deviant was a bum. I mean really, the guy can’t help how he looks.
Hares for adding to the breakdown of the ozone layer and the complete disregard for wasting fossil fuels by moving the bag vehicle away from start (which turned out to be the end).
Just Veronica for being a powder puff.
Sir Shaves a Lot for being a non-chivalrous a$$. I know, I know – that’s a given, but it was still fun to point out his non-chivalrousness thus ensuring he definitely WOULD NOT get laid that night.
Hares for blatant autoharing. Tsk tsk.
Hares for being caught twice by the walkers. Seriously.
AHHB for giving up his manhood by moving in with Nyet.
Hares for dressing up like retards. Maybe that’s why She Fingertard acted so ‘special’ that night.
Nub for his ghetto impersonation of Fire in the Cornhole – one cooler with warm beer and a plastic garbage sack hanging off the bumper.
Lil Red for not knowing what trees were and not realizing hares might actually put flour on them.
Microsoft for taking Cornhole’s place (since he wasn’t there) and bitching like a woman. Thanks for taking one for the team – where would we be without a manly man crying like a little girl on trail? It just wouldn’t seem like a normal trail.
Hares for laying the “stupidest trail ever.” Direct quote from someone.
14K for being too fat to tie his own shoes. Lame!
B$ for being 14K’s bitch and tying his shoes for him. Doubly lame!
Udder for wanting to see Runs With Bulls A$$.
Hashit: Udder had it and gave it to… dammit – I can’t remember! My pen had frozen by that point. Possibly Nub? I’m just going with the obvious here – Nub usually deserves it for something or other… Guess we’ll find out tonight!
See you in two hours!
Lube Me Up Scotty
PS I’ll get to the other trails I’ve missed sooner or later!
