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The "The New Year's Eve Eve" Trail Date: 12/30/08 Location: Wakefield Park Hares: Screws on First, Nuc-U-lar Jism, Just Mark Hashit Holder: AHHB? I don’t really know. We haven’t seen it in months. But what else is new – the SH*T lost their hashit again. At least history is consistent in repeating itself… Virgins: Just Sterling, Just Jesse (“I wish that I had Jesse’s Giiirrrlll…” Ok, ok – Jesse showed up with two dudes, not a girl, but the song is still cool), Just Pretty Girl that is Some Wankers Sister (I Think) But I Can’t Remember Your Name (Although It Might Be Ashley) Visitors: Yep. We had another mini-OTH invasion and a bunch of random people traveling through DC for the holidays. You were all very enjoyable – glad you could join us! Returners: Same as above. The not-so-newly engaged Mr. Beanie Weanie and Malignant graced us with their presence exactly one year after they last came. There were others that hadn’t been out in forever and some that are becoming strangely more regular after hardly ever hashing with us at all. Some of them are for the better, some not so much. ;-) Kidding! Geez – don’t take everything I say so personally! We love each and every one of you in your own special way… Some of you are just more special than others… And better looking… And, well, how about those anal-versaries! Anal-versaries: Unfortunately we skipped this again. We’ll catch up in the new year when Screws on First and Cradle to the Dreidel get a chance to unscramble the sign-in book. FRB: All the dudes FBI: All the chics DFL: Everyone else Trail Ramblings: So there we were, driving into Wakefield Park when we were confronted by a wall of bikes. Did we wander into a Bash? (Bike Hash – you should try it sometime.) Or did the hares not know that Wakedfield Park hosts night mountain biking? Some nights they even race. My guess was the latter although a Bash would have been cool. Could be an interesting trail walking along with mountain bikers barreling down on us on a single-track mountain biking course. But then again, since we were only doing a walkers trail tonight maybe that’ll make up for the lack of running - what with the adrenaline pump of anticipating our impending deaths by mountain bike from the dark at every turn. As it turns out, however, the excess of alcohol on trail calmed everyone’s nerves. As far as I know, no one was run over and the bikers didn’t seem too pissed to be sharing their trail with a group of 50 or so wandering idiots. The hares laid out a smorgasbord of yummy shots for our enjoyment – one to represent each season of the past year. The first we encountered was a basket full of plastic Easter eggs containing jello shots. An excellent start! We had to cross a little stream to get to them, though – it was like a sandy quagmire of potential death! One wrong move and any one of us could have been quickly pulled into the murky, sandy goo to face a slow death in the bowels of the little creek that flows through Wakefield Park. It was a very harrowing stream crossing fraught with danger, but we all successfully made it by the hairs of our chinny chin chins… Continuing on, we next reached another creek crossing! Ooohhh the humanity! Can we make it? Will we be able to reach the glorious shot that awaits us on the other side??? What to do?!?!? What to do?!?!?!? Luckily for everyone but Standard Deviant, there was a log crossing the creek. One by one, our faithful and courageous hashers scooted, tiptoed, humped, walked, hopped, slid and otherwise made their way safely across the yawning chasm below. All except the aforementioned Standard Deviant. Standard had made it nearly to the front of the line when he decided to lean against one of the tree’s branches while waiting for the person in front of him to cross. What happened next was a slow mo moment that would have won us $1000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos. Standard leans back and the branch starts to move. He tries to catch his balance and almost makes it but the slow motion fall is already happening and cannot be arrested! Ever so slowly (with enough time for us to get everyone’s attention to point and laugh) Standard falls backward over the edge and disappears into the dark abyss in a puff of dead leaves and the crack of broken branches. The last things we see are his feet pointing straight up and then they too disappear into nothingness. I think one of his socks had fallen down. Whoa to Standard to leave us with this last impression of a man who couldn’t even keep his socks up… Shockingly, he didn’t die. He did get wet though – and not in a good way. To paraphrase, “Wet is good when you’re with a lady, but it ain’t no good when you’re in a jungle (park).” Anyway, he somehow made it across to the other side and bitched about being wet. We gave him alcohol and he shut up. Which brings me to Shot #2. Shot #2 was summer and what’s better in summer than sex on the beach? Well actually, sex on the beach (real sex) kind of sucks – have you ever gotten sand in your vagina? Or elsewhere? I know you have, don’t lie – you know what I’m talking about. Sex on the Beach as alcohol, however, is quite delicious. Those of us that were now in the back of the pack (about 12 of us I think), took it upon ourselves to make sure that there was no drop left behind. We drank what we could and took the rest with us. It was gone before the next shot check. We continued along the creek some more and ran into yet another shot! Whooooo-hoooo!!!! Shot #3 was fall. I really don’t know the name of it, but it was slightly warm and there was a lot of it. As Typical Woman pointed out it tasted like a Luden’s cherry cough drop – Mmmm – I haven’t had one of those in forever. Do they still even make them? Or maybe Luden’s went into the alcohol making business. We finished that shot off too although it was a stretch – thank goodness we have dedicated drinkers with us. We were now quite far behind the slackers up ahead – what were they thinking leaving a shot check with shots still there?!?! Blasphemy I tell ya! With actions like that, you’ll never make cow! (Threw that in there for my Hindu friends…) We continued along on our merry way. And Hows Her Bush let us down by missing a back check 7, but then redeemed himself by finding trail and leading us to the next (and last) shot – the winter shot. What says winter more than pepperminty fresh Gold Schlaggers? Nothing, I tell ya, nothing! We were sucking away at the bottle of gold schlaggers like it was our mammy’s teat when two of the virgins showed up. They had run back to find us. How nice of them. Just Sterling took the gold Schlaggers and killed the rest in one gulp. I bet he’s a hurting unit today… The virgins then attempted to lead us to the end, which was funny when they missed it – apparently going over the trail twice hadn’t helped them remember where the end was. Silly virgins! We found it anyway and there we were – snuggled up against 495 in a little dirt cul-de-sac ready for circle… Violations: The violations were many and had a lot to do with man on man sex (not that there’s anything wrong with that)! Since it was so damn loud I’ll give you the list. Remember – if it is written, it is true! AHHB for impersonating the Keebler elf. Hot Pursuit for bitching about their not being a runner’s trail. Hares for not laying a runner’s trail. Just Morgan for getting in a car accident on the way to the hash (and still hashing – good boy!). A$$ Ogre for being French – apparently he is an artiste. Seriously? That dude doesn’t have an artistic bone in his body. And sh*tting turds that look like animals does not count as art. She Fingered Me and Mowgli for their gay embrace at finish and asking each other “Are you gold?” Gladiator for trying to get in on She Fingered Me and Mowgli’s embrace. AHHB for doing Tour duh Wh0re from behind. Microsoft for impersonating Holy Tit – when asked what his name was he just thrust out his boob. Saskatchewsnatch for having a “f*cking conversation.” Apparently one should not disturb her when she’s on the God damn phone! Microsoft for humping a tree stump and then falling over in ecstacy. Spike for being the biggest douche ever. (You can thank She Fingered Me for that one.) She Fingered Me and Just Gail for wasting beer. Nuclear for only being ¾ length. Everyone who lost at hasher fantasy football (She Fingered Me, Bitch Where My Money, Lube Me Up Scotty, The Udder Ho) Just Ashley for spooging all over the hash – she’s a talented girl! Nub for his fear of latex – one to many nights with the doll this year, hey Nub? Nuclear – for being a junior AHHB and using latex gloves while laying trail so he didn’t get his hands al floury. At least that’s what he said he was using the gloves for. Hmmmmm…. 3-holer and Tour duh Whore for being f*cking nuts and hashing every trail of the Tour duh Hash (I know this one was a little late in coming but this is the first time 3-holer has shown up in FOREVER! Nub – all I have written down is “for retardation.” I think that about sums it up, don’t you? Typical Woman for asking Dixie where his snake was. Hahaha – get it? Snake? That’s a euphemism for PENIS! I said PENIS! Rambutt for forgetting her skis but still dressing like a snow bunny. Sour Snatch for wearing her underwear on trail. (Outside of her pants.) Just Morgan for telling Spike that he wanted to be ‘In hot pursuit.” We introduced him to the actual Hot Pursuit when he got to the hash. And you know what? I think he wanted to be in her once he saw her. I mean who wouldn’t?? (Ooops – eyemuffs Standard!) Tour duh Whore and Pay Per View for leaving their leather coated rat-dog at home. Hashit: See above. See you all next week for our next installment of hashing with retards! Can’t wait to see you there! ;-) Lube Me Up Scotty PS We attempted to name Just Mark and learned next to nothing except that he was caught having sex in the kitchen by his mom or some other relative? We’ll get the rest of the details when we’re in a quieter location and perhaps slightly less hammered. ;-) PPS Dammit – that took me longer than I expected. I have now worked 56 minutes of overtime! See you next year!
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